In a dark place

I never lived the life I remember I lived, but I enjoyed large patches of 'living the dream' even if it was on a small scale.

Different bars every night, expensive London restaurants, bed hopping, I lived life in London in capital letters for a long time. Sadly most of it was whilst holding down a long term relationship and that person wasn't invited. Therapy is making me reflect on my life not much less than ordinary and what I feel most is guilt. Guilt that a person I genuinely cared for, and probably loved (I have problems defining love, again I think this goes back to my upbringing and my first girlfriend who messed up any definition I had of love) and still love, but I always knew there was something missing in my relationship with her, and I filled that with crazy, and stupid, time.

Do I regret it? Yes. Would I change it? No. Does that make me a bad person? Possibly, and that's another reason i'm in therapy, because I think I am, and I hate it. But i'm getting told i'm pretty much just like every other human on this planet.

Im still with the person I care for, but its been a tough 12 months and in many ways its made me realise that she quite possibly isn't right for me, but its also made me realise I have to give her, and me, the chance to know for sure. I met someone during the last year that sparked my imagination, and my sex drive, both things that have been dormant too long, however I have had to tell her I can no longer see her as I think i'm falling for this person and I have to sort out my muddled relationship first. This has made me incredibly sad, but I know i'm doing it for the right reasons as this other person doesn't deserve to be messed around by me whilst I work out who I am, don't they say if you love someone set them free? And I owe it to my girlfriend to work hard at us. I feel i've been a bad person too long now i'm putting it all behind me to commit to my long term relationship, but in the back of my mind I know this will either kill it or cure it.

But which. And am I really doing this because I know living with her will convince me im with the wrong person. The question is will the right person still be around when ive been through this journey and come out the other side? I doubt it. And why should they be.