Age is wasted on the young

As you get older there's one horrifying revelation that dawns, your parents were right about most things.

All those funny little sayings that when you wear the invincibility of youth are nonsense gradually, begin to come true. And I think the greatest of those is "Age is wasted on the young". You start to realise that some of those things you once dreamt you might do, or become, will never happen.

I'm just getting to the age when things ache, fall out, become crocked and generally nudge me that its now or never to learn mountaineering, scuba dive with dolphins, become a spy for MI5 (or even the KGB if I can retire to Cuba, please email if applicable), and the thing is, I know i'll probably never get round to doing any of them.

The problem is you also get old enough to know that you can't just pack up your troubles and head off, because you have to think about tomorrow, really you do. If I quit work now how will I ever afford a mortgage/have a management career role/settle down and have kids in time to enjoy them etc. Its crazy. But we're only human, we worry.

All this hit me the other day as I was sitting in the Tate Modern of all places. There was a 30 something couple with their young boy, who was actually quite a well behaved child, and I could see they were doting on him. But then nearby was this solitary old man looking over at the child. Now he wasn't staring in any creeping ulterior motive way, he was staring in a wistful way. I could tell that he was remembering what it was like to be young and have your whole life ahead of you and not a care in the world, and in his eyes I could also see the recognition that he knew his life was in its later years and that all his adventures were behind him. It was the longing to be young again and this time to do something with it, as you never know when it will have passed you by and your life will only be full of missed regret...

Honest Dishonesty?

Tell me, when did our society go from honest to dishonest? Back in the 40s, 50s even 60s people stopped other people in the street to tell them they had dropped their purse or wallet. You could put a book down on the train and people wouldn't pick it up when you went to the toilet. If people made a simple mistake with their change it was owned up to by the customer or the establishment, and we were all better people for it.

So when did we switch and become selfish, greedy, penny pinching? When did advertising a lemon actually mean hodwinking rather than actuallt telling the truth? When did bunking a train fare become a national past time (hell ive done it just to see if I can when I could easily have afforded the ticket). Do we feel we are being taken for every penny by the establishment perhaps? 'Why should I be so honest when our Governments/Banks/Councils are so dishonest to us on a daily basis? When did we all turn a blind eye to petty dishonesty and more importantly will we, even can we, ever go back?

Sadly I doubt it. And what a sad place the world is for this realisation...

In a dark place

I never lived the life I remember I lived, but I enjoyed large patches of 'living the dream' even if it was on a small scale.

Different bars every night, expensive London restaurants, bed hopping, I lived life in London in capital letters for a long time. Sadly most of it was whilst holding down a long term relationship and that person wasn't invited. Therapy is making me reflect on my life not much less than ordinary and what I feel most is guilt. Guilt that a person I genuinely cared for, and probably loved (I have problems defining love, again I think this goes back to my upbringing and my first girlfriend who messed up any definition I had of love) and still love, but I always knew there was something missing in my relationship with her, and I filled that with crazy, and stupid, time.

Do I regret it? Yes. Would I change it? No. Does that make me a bad person? Possibly, and that's another reason i'm in therapy, because I think I am, and I hate it. But i'm getting told i'm pretty much just like every other human on this planet.

Im still with the person I care for, but its been a tough 12 months and in many ways its made me realise that she quite possibly isn't right for me, but its also made me realise I have to give her, and me, the chance to know for sure. I met someone during the last year that sparked my imagination, and my sex drive, both things that have been dormant too long, however I have had to tell her I can no longer see her as I think i'm falling for this person and I have to sort out my muddled relationship first. This has made me incredibly sad, but I know i'm doing it for the right reasons as this other person doesn't deserve to be messed around by me whilst I work out who I am, don't they say if you love someone set them free? And I owe it to my girlfriend to work hard at us. I feel i've been a bad person too long now i'm putting it all behind me to commit to my long term relationship, but in the back of my mind I know this will either kill it or cure it.

But which. And am I really doing this because I know living with her will convince me im with the wrong person. The question is will the right person still be around when ive been through this journey and come out the other side? I doubt it. And why should they be.

Therapy?

Well here I am, first post.

Ive had somewhat of a turbulent life, and in recent years found myself a very angry and frustrated person. Waste time and wasted potential perhaps. But anyway, ive been to see a therapist and she has helped me a lot. But as part of this change in my lifestyle and way of thinking about the world she has encouraged me to start writing about me, my feeling, my thoughts, or just expressing myself.

Now I know this blog won't be read my anyone, but in many ways I feel better knowing my words are out there in the world and in some way I hope that will help me set my thoughts free.

Anyway, the blog is called A Smile From A Stranger as I think theres nothing better at brightening your day than a smile from a perfect stranger on your way in to work in the mornings, even better if its an attractive member of the opposite (or same?) sex.

So lets hope my words brighten someones life one day.